Saturday, 14 May 2016

Part of My Journey...

So I've a bit absent for a few months because I've been working on a big project!

Now this project is something I swore not to talk about, partially because I think people can be pretty easily influenced and partially because I guess it puts you in the firing line. I'm going to tell more about my life, I guess this is kind of a story time post. Now before I start this story, I'm not looking for attention, and most importantly - this is not any kind of thinspiration in this post.

Everyone's lives have ups and downs, I started being bullied when I was about 11 I think; about the time when I decided I wasn't into the girly games or dancing at break and I wanted to play football with the boys and girls was how girls are. They would come into school and say things that kids wouldn't just come out with like 'your fat on the inside, you should go to the doctors'... I mean dang girl I was already skinny so you call me inside out fat! :') or parents would say things as well on sports day - you could see where the kid's choice of language came from. Eventually I put myself in a box when I lost my cousin. Leaving that school I went from about 80 kids in the school to a big high school with probably around 500+ students to which didn't go well. I was so shy and didn't really know what to do in this crowded situation that I was isolated. In year 9 I lost my uncle (my cousin's dad) who'd I'd grown pretty close to and that hit me so hard, I had to have counselling, some girls at school found out and shouted it up the corridors how he died and it haunted me. A rather large girl then decided to tell people I stole all her food.. Like really? Which lead to people throwing food at me daily and calling me 'fatty'. Yeah things turned physical but to be honest, nothing hurts me more than emotions, I'd sooner be punched, I can take a punch... But the worst part is, I started to see what I thought they saw. I ended up with an eating disorder in year 11 and that has left me with lasting effects that I am pretty hung up over. Obviously being throughout puberty, I ended up not developing fully and other things just stopped. That was me on the back left when I was at secondary.. As you can see.. I was not 'fat'.

I left school and went off to college and that's when I was noticed, I was paid decent money to model and I must've got in a day nearly a week of the wages I get now. Now think about that.. I was scouted when I was ill. I got to go on the catwalk several times in a show and I fitted in clothes that other models couldn't, I was made to feel good for how my body looked. The image on the right is one of the only photos I can find when I was ill, you can see how stick thin my legs were.. Looking back I can't believe I did that to myself because of people bullying me. Society doesn't even realise what its doing.

Now to cut a long story shorter (because I've already made it long) I use to run to my nans three times a day when I was at college to eat with her whilst she was ill and it took about half hour there/back and eventually lost her and then I didn't no what to do with myself.. Then my dad broke his neck and then my mom got cancer so basically I forgot to look after myself because I was concentrating on looking after them; eventually I ended up in hospital myself. It was at that moment when something clicked in my mind, I got 2 years of college work and exams done in 2 weeks - 100% on everything so not bad haha! then I left college months early and joined the gym, I was going five times a week, building up my food intake and protein consumption and I was doing weights - not cardio.

I started to put muscle weight on, my booty started growing and to be honest that alone got me hooked on the idea of pushing myself to be strong, better than I was and have an image in my head I want to achieve in the long run. It's a slow process, but it's constant and it's my mind that made the most difference. Now, if I get ill I'm thinking 'I don't want to loose weight, I still need to eat and hurry up and get better'.

So this is me now... A year or so ago I would have never showed my belly! I'm still a little uncomfortable to be honest but I know there's a good body there despite what my mind is telling me. I dress completely different now, I use to wear all baggy clothes when I weighed next to nothing because I still felt big, now I'm getting solid and I'm proud!

I find it crazy because often people come to me and ask me how I have gotten this shape, and they ask about diets etc - wrong idea!! No Diets, No weight loss tablets or teas, no body wraps. Literally just lifting weights and although many people say avoid carbs; I eat no end of pasta, if it wasn't for pasta I wouldn't have been able to build myself the way I have. Besides I won't eat food I don't enjoy. I can eat more than my dad when I feel like it and that's saying something! Also I often get asked by companies to promote detox's, teas, weight loss supplements and they have all received the same answer - I don't support that kind of stuff. Always believe the natural way is the best way, even if the product is made from natural ingredients I won't be putting anything unnecessary in my body when I can do it naturally and the proper way. I will try out fitness/exercise products but not anything that goes inside your body. I'm thinking of taking up pole dancing classes to help with upper body strength.. Not the stripper classes.. The fitness classes haha.

I have lots of exercise equipment and I also make use of things already available at home like the stairs etc. I do eat protein powder and that is the only supplement I take. And yes, I said eat, I can't bring myself to drink it.
Admittedly this post has took me a couple months to write because I kept deleting things thinking 'you don't need to know that part'. But at the end of the day, if my story can help at least one person, help them see the light and try harder then I'm happy. People don't speak about bullying and mental disorders enough, just because you cant see the problem doesn't mean it's not there, eating disorders are a mental disorders and people should think before making comments to those people.
In no way am I saying my body is prefect, but I'm proud of how far I have come. Body positivity should be spread, I always compliment people, a compliment never hurt nobody! :)

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